Fathers' Rights and Children's Rights UK

How ridiculous is the UK’s family court system?

I took my daughter’s mother to court because she refused to treat mr as an equal and I stupidly thought that justice would be served, I would share in our daughter’s upbringing and my daughter would grow up well-balanced and ready to take on the world.

The reality however, is vastly different to what I expected.

1- I still, 3 years on only get to see my daughter every other weekend, despite living within 2 miles of her

2- If I stay away from my home I have to inform her mother of the address, yet the mother does not have to tell mr anything, even if she takes her to the other side of the world

3- I have a court order detailing everything I have to do when my daughter is with mr, yet the mother has to do nothing

4- If I take my daughter abroad I have to send copies of the tickets and all address details, again, the mother has to do nothing.

All of this is without having any reason or grounds to prove my ability or responsibility to look after our daughter.

The court system is so heavily biased that the judges have lost sight that the children are the primary concern and if both parents were treated equally, then the process would work more smoothly, as fathers like me, would not feel so discriminated against.

I have always been there for my daughter and nobody is saying I am a bad father, so why are we as parents treated so unequally?

Fathers rights are being ignored far too often in the UK and groups like FNF and Real Fathers for Justice are trying to put pressure on ministers and judges to make fairer laws, until then our children cannot grow up in a healthy environment with such inequalities in place.

After three years in court and three years of hearing my daughter say that she is scared of me, my daughter and I finally got to go on holiday together, despite her mothers’ attempts to stop it.

Having had three final hearings and pushing for someone to do something, CAFCASS had a 45 minute session with my daughter and managed to allow my daughter to actually express her own wishes, which meant that I got to take her abroad for the first time in three years.

Although I’m up against a biased court system and the fact that I am treated like some kind of criminal, the fact that my daughter was allowed the freedom to speak her own mind, gives me the hope that this will someday be sorted out for the best interest of my daughter.

After the 45 minute meeting with my daughter, the CAFCASS officer stated that my daughter was confused and “torn between loyalties of both parents”. Surely anybody with common sense would see that this meant that her mother clearly did not want her to go on holiday, due to her own selfishness and mentally-abusive nature.

I am still bound by many restrictions and still treated unfairly by the courts but the fact that I have a good CAFCASS officer that clearly has my daughter’s best interests at heart, gives me the hope I have been waiting for.

The question still remains as to why a mother would allow her child to silently suffer because of her own selfishness and not want me to be involved in our daughter’s life.

Despite the best interests of my daughter, her mother continues to try and jeapordise our relationship for her own selfish, self-interest. We have been separated for 4 years but she continues to act hostile towards me, despite leaving me for another man.

The whole situation makes no real sense. I just want to be a good dad, but she continues to use every occasion to try and make her nmew boyfriend my daughters dad and does not promote me in any positive light, despite having the best interests of my daughter at heart.

When my daughter is in both our companies, she is left feeling distressed as her mother refuses to be amicable and nice towards me and allows our daughter to shoulder the emotional stress of the situation.

When will the law protect children, instead of protecting mothers that use abusive, destructive tactics to alienate children from their natural father’s life?

Today I had a meeting with Richard Ottaway, the local Conservative MP. The aim of the meeting was to discuss family law and the need for a change in legislation. I gave Richard a copy of our mission statement and he assured me that he would raise the issues and get back to me with definitive timescales of when the coalition party would address these important issues.

As soon as I have an update I will post it here.

In the meantime, please also contact Richard at ottawayr@parliament.uk and ask for this to be dealt with as a matter of urgency.

The new coalition government plans to finally address the long-awaited need for changes in the family law, so that parents are treated more fairly after separation or divorce. Outlined in the new coalition’s programme is a wide range of policies and the emphasis on family and children is an encouraging sign.

Shared parenting has long been campaigned for and in the programme released on 20th May 2010, it states “We will encourage shared parenting from the earliest stages of pregnancy – including the promotion of a system of flexible parental leave.” This will be a welcome message for fathers’ rights groups such as New Fathers For Justice and Real Fathers For Justice, that have campaigned for some time on this important issue.

The report goes on to state that the coalition government “will conduct a comprehensive review of family law in order to increase the use of mediation when couples do break up, and to look at how best to provide greater access rights to non-resident parents and grandparents.” Lee Smith from the non-profit group fathers’ Rights, states that “at present the legislation fails many fathers going through the court process and it is hoped that this new government will put children’s needs first and recognise that children deserve both parents in their life and deserve shared parenting after break-up or divorce”.

Mike Kelly, spokesman for Real Fathers For Justice says that “This document is definitely a step in the right direct, after 5 years of RFFJ protest and 3 years of talking to opposition MPs, it’s pleasing to see they have listened to the talks and have looked at the reasons behind the protests”

“The campaign is far from over yet, we must continue to push for a legal presumption of Shared Parenting”

“There is a long way to go before parents have a level playing field when they divorce or separate, the government must remove the ‘winner takes all’ system where false allegations are taken as fact and where contact orders are ignored with impunity”

“The system is beset by delay, incompetence and mismanagement, costs can spiral and support is non-existent”

“Family law judges and professionals should be held to account for their mistakes, proceedings must be open and judgements transparent”

There is an ever-growing movement to change legislation and hopefully promises will be kept to review and change the laws in Winter 2011.

Everybody has their own views and opinions on shared parenting and fathers’ rights, but what really is a fair amount of contact for a parent to have with their children?

Some people think that every other weekend is a suitable arrangement and sure, for some parents this suits their working arrangements or their social life, but for many parents this simply is not sufficient contact and they believe that this is also not in the best interests of the child.

In Australia, family law seems much fairer with an automatic presumption of shared parenting after separation or divorce and from research there, there seems to be much less conflict and lawyers rarely ask for contact to be every other weekend due to the legislation which appears to work well.

In France, although no presumption of shared residence exists, it is recognised within French family law as a legitimate and child-friendly option. In France parents tend to care for their children for longer blocks of time, for example two weeks on and two weeks off.

Sadly, in the UK, our family laws fall behind those in other democratic countries by a long way. Family proceedings are painfully slow and riddled with delays due to insufficient legislation and poor resources in social services such as CAFCASS.

The new coalition between the Liberal Democrats and the Conservative Party promises to change this by introducing new legislation by winter 2011.

For the sake of the children we sincerely hope that this is delayed no further as current laws are providing instability and a lottery of results for most fathers.

Fathers represent a large proportion of the population yet are still discriminated against. Something has to be done to correct the imbalance in our society.

We have integrated a diverse range of nationalities in the UK and there are rights for gay couples but millions of fathers are being treated as second-class citizens, which is a disgrace in our supposed democratic society.

Shared parenting is essential for a healthy family life and provides children with stability they need to grow up in a loving, caring environment. In 1992, the UK signed up to the United Nations Convention on The Rights Of Children, which states that children deserve both their parents and that parents should be treated equally by the state, so why eighteen years later are dads being denied access to their children with the state seeming to sponsor the mothers who are trying to alienate their children from the biological father?

Children react differently to parental separation and divorce, in part dependant on their age as well as their maturity. All research shows that the joint and common conciliatory approach of parents to helping their children through this period will minimise the adverse impact and shorten the transition from living with two parents to living separately with each parent.

Many parents assume that because a child is showing different behaviour and attitudes especially what would otherwise be inappropriate for a child of that age and including when around times of handover of contact, the child does not want to live with or see the other parent. More often, the child is showing stress at what is a new, bewildering and unhappy situation. This stress may not have existed, or at least have shown itself, before the separation. It can be reduced by parents minimising the tensions of contact handovers and giving the child permission to enjoy the time spent with the other parent.

It is important for both parents to understand the way their child may “normally” react at such times, and that such reactions are not necessarily the cause for blame or recrimination against the other parent. Accordingly I set out some “normal” reactions and behaviours of children of different age groups. A child will not show all of these and if you are uncertain, take professional advice.

Age 2 – 4 Children in this age group are starting to explore social relationships, such as sharing with others, taking turns, being part of a wider group than just the narrow family unit. They are often egocentric and believe that others behave and feel in the way they do. They also believe they cause the actions of others. In very young children, memory span is limited and not seeing significant adults for lengths of time may stretch their abilities to recall or maintain attachments. Equally, they do not attach importance to lengths of time spent in the company of either parent. They may be very sensitive to moods and emotions and be confused by “messages” relayed by parents in conflict.

Age 4 – 7 This age group has an emerging ability to see another’s viewpoint. They can start to see in a basic fashion one parent’s perspective on matters but not both simultaneously. Accordingly, they are not able to sift and balance. They are likely to tell different stories to each parent and are anxious to prove loyalty and love.

Age 7 – 9 These children have begun to develop self-reflective thinking. They can recognise their own mixed feelings. They can hold more than one perspective at a time. They may start to look at the viewpoints of each parent objectively. They will begin to make judgements about each parent and the parent’s own behaviour to the child and generally. They will begin to imagine how they are viewed by each parent, and sometimes get it wrong. Powerlessness, sadness and pain are most acute at this age and often seen in the child’s strong reactions to parental conflict.

Age 9 – 13 Conflicts of loyalty can be increasingly maintained. This age group are most likely to begin to make alignments with one or other parent. These alliances may vary greatly in strength from mild and secret preference to open hostility where a child may refuse to visit or even reject the other parent entirely. They may wish to keep a safe distance from parental conflict and battles. In doing so, they may feel it necessary to give up a loved parent.

Age 13 – 15 The alliances made in the earlier age group continue often into adolescence. Teenagers develop their capacity for taking the perspective of third parties. With this greater objectivity, they can withdraw strategically and obviously from parental fights. Boys are more likely to be more obvious emotionally and behaviourally than girls in their responses.

Age 16 + At this age, especially with parental separation, children look to their own independent life. They have their own concerns to make and develop relationships at all levels. They may show particular anger and resentments at having to “parent” one parent, or to be involved in loyalty conflicts. The above can only be guidelines and is basic. The effect of parental conflict in itself can cause both behavioural regression and inappropriate (advanced) maturity in children.

Please speak to a specialist if you have anxieties about your child at a time of parental separation or later. It may often be beneficial if both parents together deal with any difficulties of the child, whatever may have been the differences of the parents in their own relationship. Mediation is especially helpful in this. I acknowledge the assistance of the training materials of the Family Mediators Association on which this piece is based.

On Saturday May 29th, we will be doing an awareness/fundraise demo in Bristol, followed by our “FATHERS VIGIL OF LAWS” protest outside David Law’s MP’s house.

Bristol awareness starts 11:00 Broadmead, Bristol.

After two hours, we go to Law’s house to set up our “Justice Tent” and purple flags. Please bring your superhero… costumes.

If you wish to come, please send “Captain Equality” a message on the email below.

This is one of a few precursor mini demos in the run up to our “CARRY ON CAMPING DEMO” in Witney on July 24th.

admin@newfathers4justice.info

Today I handed my daughter back to her mother and once more, I start my next excruciating two week wait, before I am allowed to see her again.

To be precise it is 11 days and 17 hours and this is how long I have to painfully wait before I get to be with a child I created, along with her mother.

I may be no expert but I am an experienced parent and I believe this is a ridiculous amount of contact for a parent that wants to spend more time taking care of his own child.

I have come across studies by professional bodies, government, child rights groups and fathers rights groups and none of them say that a father cannot bring up a child just as well as a mother can.

I agree that not all fathers have the time or inclanation to do so, but for those parents that wish to, they should be encouraged to be the best parent that they can be.

I am in touch with alot of mothers and I have asked this question many times. Out of several hundred responses to the question of contact, over 99% of parents (the majority being women) agreed that every other weekend was not enough contact, especially due to the fact that I live within one mile of my daughter.

Unfortunately, the one person that disagrees with this, is the mother. Far from having her own child’s interest at heart, she seems forever intent on trying to block and diminish the contact between my daughter and myself.

Any special occasion is deemed only suitable to be spent with the mother and she does little or nothing to encourage contact with her dad. Instead she continues to be aggressive at every opportunity and cares only about herself, when it comes to our daughter.

I can only hope that when my daughter grows up, she realises how hard her father tried to see her more and fought for her to grow up in a secure, stable environment, despite her mothers’ selfish and abusive actions.